Step Parenting Pit Falls

I come from a home of step parenting gone wrong, really wrong. So to say I am jaded a bit by this subject would be an understatement. However, on doing my research and trying to be objective I did learn a few things about how easy it is to become a step parent and how hard it is to become a good step parent. I have to say I found some things that I think would have helped my family. These steps are for the parents, not the kiddos. Mostly because I am a big believer that the children need to be lead not forced down this path, by the biological parent and the step parent and it is the parent’s responsibility.

I wanted to go beyond the usual stuff. Of course you want to communicate, both with your spouse and with the children, of course you want to be honest, be flexible, and have patience. All of these things are the standard advice when doing the research. I want to give more both from the research and the personal side of it.

First things first: discipline. This is a touchy subject for anyone who was disciplined by a step parent. Kids can harbor some pretty harsh feelings if it is not done right. How do you do it, right, good question. Each family will be different but I think it is important to discuss discipline as a family. The new family unit should get together and discuss whether or not everyone is comfortable with the step parent garnering disciplinary powers. Sometimes it is the step P that is unwilling to discipline, preferring to be an “adult friend” or a “aunt/uncle type”.

Many studies I found said that it could take up to two years for a child to feel comfortable enough with a step P to accept discipline from them. Not to far off if you think that a biological parent you spend at least six months with your baby before discipline really kicks in. Step P’s have to build that trust first, then attempt authority. Some step Ps prefer to act as an advisor for the children rather then a disciplinarian.

Second: remember that you love your spouse enough to accept him/her with kiddos. You should respect your spouse enough to care for his/her kids. You don’t have to become their parent, you don’t have to be their friend but you do need to act like the adult and respect them. That will go a LONG way toward building the relationship. Remember the last time you started a new job? Did you jump right in and start bossing people around? Or did you get the lay of the land first and then make adjustments as needed. This approach is similar to how you might put together a blended family.

Lastly, try not to take things personally. Kids can be thoughtless and sometimes cruel without meaning to be, and in other cases they can be purposely cruel. How step Ps react is important. Sometimes a negative reaction to a child’s intentional slight will ignite a flame that may leave scars for years to come. Take a deep breath talk to your spouse on what you BOTH should do about it. A united front will send a message that respect needs to go both ways. As a step P you asked to become a part of this existing family, you need to take all the steps necessary for it to come together, don’t ask or demand the kids make all the effort, this could bread resentment.

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