After watching Kung Fu Panda for the 8th time this weekend I went to bed wondering why kids like repetition so much. Is it the familiarity, the consistency, the predictability? Well according to the experts yes.
I was thinking about it and was trying to put it in terms I could understand. And it came to me in a flash – Adults do it too. Think about the last time you went to a new restaurant and ordered the best dish you ever had. Then for the next few days that is all you can think about. A week or two later (when you can rationally tell yourself it is ok to go back to the restaurant) you go back and instead of ordering something new you order the same thing. Flash to the next 3 or 4 more times you go to the restaurant each time ordering the same thing. Why do you order the same thing? Is it a fear of having tried something new and being disappointed or knowing what we have missed, the predictability, the familiarity? Yep you betcha!
But then one day you order the other dish you have been eyeing only to discover it is better then the first dish you tried. HoooRAY! Now the next time you come will you stick with dish #2 or go for dish #3, or even back to #1? So many new options to choose from.
So adults have the rational that we could try something different and discover a new favorite where kids don’t have that experience. They love knowing what is coming next. They can predict it and there is comfort there. Yet they also know they like it and as they are driven by impulse, especially at age 2 through 4, they want it again and again to experience the same thrill over and over again.
What can you do? Well you can try to introduce a new dish, or you can sit back and watch Kung Fu Panda and memorize all the lines, and spend some time enjoying the experience with your kid.
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Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Step Parenting Pit Falls
I come from a home of step parenting gone wrong, really wrong. So to say I am jaded a bit by this subject would be an understatement. However, on doing my research and trying to be objective I did learn a few things about how easy it is to become a step parent and how hard it is to become a good step parent. I have to say I found some things that I think would have helped my family. These steps are for the parents, not the kiddos. Mostly because I am a big believer that the children need to be lead not forced down this path, by the biological parent and the step parent and it is the parent’s responsibility.
I wanted to go beyond the usual stuff. Of course you want to communicate, both with your spouse and with the children, of course you want to be honest, be flexible, and have patience. All of these things are the standard advice when doing the research. I want to give more both from the research and the personal side of it.
First things first: discipline. This is a touchy subject for anyone who was disciplined by a step parent. Kids can harbor some pretty harsh feelings if it is not done right. How do you do it, right, good question. Each family will be different but I think it is important to discuss discipline as a family. The new family unit should get together and discuss whether or not everyone is comfortable with the step parent garnering disciplinary powers. Sometimes it is the step P that is unwilling to discipline, preferring to be an “adult friend” or a “aunt/uncle type”.
Many studies I found said that it could take up to two years for a child to feel comfortable enough with a step P to accept discipline from them. Not to far off if you think that a biological parent you spend at least six months with your baby before discipline really kicks in. Step P’s have to build that trust first, then attempt authority. Some step Ps prefer to act as an advisor for the children rather then a disciplinarian.
Second: remember that you love your spouse enough to accept him/her with kiddos. You should respect your spouse enough to care for his/her kids. You don’t have to become their parent, you don’t have to be their friend but you do need to act like the adult and respect them. That will go a LONG way toward building the relationship. Remember the last time you started a new job? Did you jump right in and start bossing people around? Or did you get the lay of the land first and then make adjustments as needed. This approach is similar to how you might put together a blended family.
Lastly, try not to take things personally. Kids can be thoughtless and sometimes cruel without meaning to be, and in other cases they can be purposely cruel. How step Ps react is important. Sometimes a negative reaction to a child’s intentional slight will ignite a flame that may leave scars for years to come. Take a deep breath talk to your spouse on what you BOTH should do about it. A united front will send a message that respect needs to go both ways. As a step P you asked to become a part of this existing family, you need to take all the steps necessary for it to come together, don’t ask or demand the kids make all the effort, this could bread resentment.
.
I wanted to go beyond the usual stuff. Of course you want to communicate, both with your spouse and with the children, of course you want to be honest, be flexible, and have patience. All of these things are the standard advice when doing the research. I want to give more both from the research and the personal side of it.
First things first: discipline. This is a touchy subject for anyone who was disciplined by a step parent. Kids can harbor some pretty harsh feelings if it is not done right. How do you do it, right, good question. Each family will be different but I think it is important to discuss discipline as a family. The new family unit should get together and discuss whether or not everyone is comfortable with the step parent garnering disciplinary powers. Sometimes it is the step P that is unwilling to discipline, preferring to be an “adult friend” or a “aunt/uncle type”.
Many studies I found said that it could take up to two years for a child to feel comfortable enough with a step P to accept discipline from them. Not to far off if you think that a biological parent you spend at least six months with your baby before discipline really kicks in. Step P’s have to build that trust first, then attempt authority. Some step Ps prefer to act as an advisor for the children rather then a disciplinarian.
Second: remember that you love your spouse enough to accept him/her with kiddos. You should respect your spouse enough to care for his/her kids. You don’t have to become their parent, you don’t have to be their friend but you do need to act like the adult and respect them. That will go a LONG way toward building the relationship. Remember the last time you started a new job? Did you jump right in and start bossing people around? Or did you get the lay of the land first and then make adjustments as needed. This approach is similar to how you might put together a blended family.
Lastly, try not to take things personally. Kids can be thoughtless and sometimes cruel without meaning to be, and in other cases they can be purposely cruel. How step Ps react is important. Sometimes a negative reaction to a child’s intentional slight will ignite a flame that may leave scars for years to come. Take a deep breath talk to your spouse on what you BOTH should do about it. A united front will send a message that respect needs to go both ways. As a step P you asked to become a part of this existing family, you need to take all the steps necessary for it to come together, don’t ask or demand the kids make all the effort, this could bread resentment.
.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Should you discipline other people’s kids???
The other day my mom visited me and brought along my nephew, age 4. Since my son is 3 we thought it would be great for them to visit, play and start building a relationship with each other. I have a cousin who is my best friend and has been all my life, so I would love to give that to my son. The visit went well with the boys, they were calling each other best friends and had a blast.
I on the other hand had a harder time...
Now keep in mind a few things, my sister and I had a hard time growing up. Our childhood was less then constructive with a verbally and sometimes physically abusive step father. So we are uber sensitive to discipline. With my son I use timeouts. I don’t use them as punishment but as a true “time out” to gather, reset, and sometimes calm down. Spankings are reserved for serious items that need some immediate reinforcement, things like running out into the street.
My nephew is a well behaved child, knows the rules and is mild mannered. This was his first trip away from Mom and visiting us in Denver. So he had some stressors, add the Halloween candy and over stimulation and now we have a time bomb. He got wound up and started yelling at my mom, she tried to deal with it but he was telling her “it is all your fault” and crying uncontrollably.
Time for my conundrum, do I interfere or do I let it go? Well I interfered, assuming (wrongly) that my sister would use the same techniques I used on my son. I thought to myself, he needs to reset and regroup, so I put him in timeout. WOW was that not the right thing to do. He exploded.
I am talking about this not to admonish my sister and her discipline strategies but to show what happens when we assume. It was wrong of me to assume that what I do with my son would work for my nephew, because we don’t have that history or relationship.
Disciplining other people’s kids is a slippery slope that I prefer to stay off of, but what do you do when you have kids at your house and something comes up? How do you deal with it?
I on the other hand had a harder time...
Now keep in mind a few things, my sister and I had a hard time growing up. Our childhood was less then constructive with a verbally and sometimes physically abusive step father. So we are uber sensitive to discipline. With my son I use timeouts. I don’t use them as punishment but as a true “time out” to gather, reset, and sometimes calm down. Spankings are reserved for serious items that need some immediate reinforcement, things like running out into the street.
My nephew is a well behaved child, knows the rules and is mild mannered. This was his first trip away from Mom and visiting us in Denver. So he had some stressors, add the Halloween candy and over stimulation and now we have a time bomb. He got wound up and started yelling at my mom, she tried to deal with it but he was telling her “it is all your fault” and crying uncontrollably.
Time for my conundrum, do I interfere or do I let it go? Well I interfered, assuming (wrongly) that my sister would use the same techniques I used on my son. I thought to myself, he needs to reset and regroup, so I put him in timeout. WOW was that not the right thing to do. He exploded.
I am talking about this not to admonish my sister and her discipline strategies but to show what happens when we assume. It was wrong of me to assume that what I do with my son would work for my nephew, because we don’t have that history or relationship.
Disciplining other people’s kids is a slippery slope that I prefer to stay off of, but what do you do when you have kids at your house and something comes up? How do you deal with it?
Monday, November 3, 2008
Thinking about giving your kid money? Think again…
My husband cannot save money. It is not genetic, it is a learned lesson from his mother. If he has $5, he will go buy someone lunch, he is generous and giving to a fault. I am a saver, a militant saver. My behavior was a learned behavior as I watched my mother make some less then good decisions in her life because she did not have money. I decided at an early age I would never be without money, because money provides you with options. Needless to say we differ greatly on our attitudes towards money.
Now enter our son, how will we teach him what he needs to know about money without giving him our “baggage”? How do we both give our son the good things about money and not make money distressing for him? Setting his money blueprint correctly can be the difference between him feeling like he has enough money and feeling like he doesn’t deserve to have money. Money can be emotional and our goal is to teach our son that money is money without emotion, without baggage. How to do it? Here are some ideas that will teach children and parents how to manage money and kids.
Set some rules for how your kids can earn the allowance for instance chores, grades, achievement of certain goals, etc… Some experts think parents should not link the allowance money to household chores as children should be expected to help out around the house because they are members of the family, not because they are paid. I believe, your values, traditions and the age of your children will all influence how you structure your plan. Your kids are individuals so don’t forget what may work for one, may not work for the other. Plan individually if need be.
Once they are earning some money, develop a structure where your kids make most of their own day-to-day financial decisions. That way, they learn to plan their expenditures and shop for value. One mom wrote that she and her daughter went to a carnival with some other parents and kids and she gave her daughter $5 and called it HER money and told her she could do anything she wanted with it. Suddenly her daughter did not want all the candy and toys, she wanted to save her money for another day.
Help your kids decide how much money they want to spend and how much to put away. Make them a chart that keeps track of their money so they can watch it grow. This is how my husband and I are trying to give our son the good of what we both have rather then the bad. Save some and spend some, have a plan and execute on it.
Let them spend some of it and be silly. Part of the fun of having money is spending it. Once they are old enough to want something big like an X-box or a as they get older a car, sit down with them and put a plan together. Give them options of how to earn extra money, i.e. selling your stuff on ebay for commission, getting a part time job, extra chores, etc... Also, if you are inclined, offer a matching funds program, especially if it is an educational item. One mom that came into my husbands store had a 10 year old that wanted nothing more then an iMac, so he and his mom sat down and created a matching funds plan and within 4 months the boy had earned over $700 doing odds and ends for neighbors, the mom matched dollar for dollar. He really appreciated the computer and took impeccable care of it.
Letting your kids spend their money teaches them the value of things and how to use money wisely. Make sure your kids only spend what they have. Do not loan money against the allowance they will receive. Teaching them to spend only what they have is an important lesson about credit that they will need in the future.
Now enter our son, how will we teach him what he needs to know about money without giving him our “baggage”? How do we both give our son the good things about money and not make money distressing for him? Setting his money blueprint correctly can be the difference between him feeling like he has enough money and feeling like he doesn’t deserve to have money. Money can be emotional and our goal is to teach our son that money is money without emotion, without baggage. How to do it? Here are some ideas that will teach children and parents how to manage money and kids.
Set some rules for how your kids can earn the allowance for instance chores, grades, achievement of certain goals, etc… Some experts think parents should not link the allowance money to household chores as children should be expected to help out around the house because they are members of the family, not because they are paid. I believe, your values, traditions and the age of your children will all influence how you structure your plan. Your kids are individuals so don’t forget what may work for one, may not work for the other. Plan individually if need be.
Once they are earning some money, develop a structure where your kids make most of their own day-to-day financial decisions. That way, they learn to plan their expenditures and shop for value. One mom wrote that she and her daughter went to a carnival with some other parents and kids and she gave her daughter $5 and called it HER money and told her she could do anything she wanted with it. Suddenly her daughter did not want all the candy and toys, she wanted to save her money for another day.
Help your kids decide how much money they want to spend and how much to put away. Make them a chart that keeps track of their money so they can watch it grow. This is how my husband and I are trying to give our son the good of what we both have rather then the bad. Save some and spend some, have a plan and execute on it.
Let them spend some of it and be silly. Part of the fun of having money is spending it. Once they are old enough to want something big like an X-box or a as they get older a car, sit down with them and put a plan together. Give them options of how to earn extra money, i.e. selling your stuff on ebay for commission, getting a part time job, extra chores, etc... Also, if you are inclined, offer a matching funds program, especially if it is an educational item. One mom that came into my husbands store had a 10 year old that wanted nothing more then an iMac, so he and his mom sat down and created a matching funds plan and within 4 months the boy had earned over $700 doing odds and ends for neighbors, the mom matched dollar for dollar. He really appreciated the computer and took impeccable care of it.
Letting your kids spend their money teaches them the value of things and how to use money wisely. Make sure your kids only spend what they have. Do not loan money against the allowance they will receive. Teaching them to spend only what they have is an important lesson about credit that they will need in the future.
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